valentine’s day and the blues, alcohol and relapse

what is the best place to share your negative feeling? an online diary.. a blog !!!

right?

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I hate this day, ever since I was 16 and I saw my cousins go out with their boyfriends and I’m home alone, I discovered what an unwanted person I am.

years after years, all I can feel is a black swan… at 17..

at 18…

19 ,20 ,…yada yada yada

I hate it,  when I thought the person who pretended to be in love with me is my boyfriend I had a valentine’s day at the age of 32. ya …turned out he was just playing and not serious and broke my heart right after.

OK.. I hate valentines, I’m going to relapse.. I want to drink and cry.. I miss the feeling.. I know am going to have a bad headache,I will gain weight, my colon and stomach will ache for 2 days, I will have diarrhea and stuff, the depression and guilt (the day after) <– oh no, this one is seriously serious I can’t handle it.. so I guess am gonna cry without alcohol these three days..

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I was a real believer in love and forever.. I was young reading romantic stories and watching romantic movies…

Wish there is a a Hate day… I would embrace it…I would have a long list of names ..

so why Mr. valentine have a day ??

Here are some ideas special days !!!

Cupid the bastard’s day

the lonely day ( you celebrate being lonely)

Transvestite’s day (because they can)

Drag Queen’s day ( they still can)

grumpy cat’s day ( about time!!!)

slammed finger’s day ( mine is 31 Jan 2015)

coffee lover’s day ( seriously , coffee is better than a boyfriend)

voodoo practitioner’s day ( because it sounds more dark)

Illuminati’s day ( because people love the conspiracies)

classy hooker’s day ( they can have fun and count how many people they fucked in that day..sounds cool?)

Iphone lover’s day ( because the majority of people brag about it more than other phone brands)

(you can suck on this valentine) fuck 14- 02  AKA liars, fake boyfriends and cheaters day

AKA girls got fooled day

AKA I will say I love you so I can hump and ravish you day.

( feel free to cuss)

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alcohol is no solution to grieve

(this article is written by Drew Edwards © 2001 Achieve Solutions )

Drugs and Alcohol Not the Way to Cope With Grief, Trauma or Fear Living with uncertainty, grief or fear regarding our personal safety can lead to an array of emotional and psychiatric problems, including depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, too many people are numbing their distress or sorrow by using drugs (prescription and street) and alcohol. Why do many turn to chemicals for relief? Drug and alcohol use has been shown to increase in times of intense stress or grief because they do provide temporary relief from the acute symptoms associated with heightened fear, loss and anxiety. Here’s how. Stress, loss and fear really are the result of how our brain interprets the environment. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one or trauma following a terrorist attack, our brain releases a megadose of a chemical called cortisol into our bloodstream. Cortisol sets off a chemical chain reaction that prepares us to run from, or to physically resist, a potential threat. This cascade of brain chemicals serves to keep us alert and ready for action. When threat is no longer imminent, our brain responds by shutting off the cortisol, thereby downshifting into a lower stage of emotional and physical readiness. This reaction has helped humans escape predators and countless environmental dangers for thousands of years. When stress or sorrow is protracted, that is continual, the brain remains in its hyper-stressed state. This imbalance can result in numerous symptoms including insomnia, mood swings, depression, crying, anxiety, inability to concentrate and decreased sexual drive. Sedative-hypnotic drugs—the wrong solution The times have changed. Most modern North Americans have little time or patience for distress or sorrow. When we hurt, we want relief now—not later. So some run to the medicine cabinet or to the liquor store to find the fastest way to ease the pain. Sedative hypnotic drugs—which include alcohol; benzodiazepines such as Valium®, Ativan®, Librium® and Halcion®; and marijuana—fool the brain by temporarily interfering with the stress reaction or grieving process. Rebound effect The bad news is that drugs and alcohol never really eliminate the undesirable emotions—they simply disguise them. Unfortunately when the effects of these drugs wear off, the fear, stress or sorrow often are experienced more intensely. This is called the rebound effect, because like a trampoline, our brain chemically overcompensates for fluctuations and changes. So when a person takes a sedative hypnotic drug to cope with painful emotions, he experiences an artificial, drug-induced calm. Scientists fear that by artificially inducing calm with drugs, people can inhibit their natural stress-reducing hormones from functioning properly. So here’s the catch: The more someone uses sedative hypnotic drugs to cope with acute emotional pain, the less ability her brain has to cope with stress and pain in the future. This leads to an increased tolerance to the effect of the drug and, in some cases, dependency. In fact, research has shown that a subset of people who abuse substances became addicted following a period of emotional trauma or heightened stress. Under medical supervision There are times when the temporary use of medication to treat acute stress and emotional trauma is appropriate, particularly when insomnia is present. This approach should only be used under the supervision of an experienced mental health professional in concert with counseling. If you are having difficulty coping with grief or stress, or are concerned that you may be abusing drugs or alcohol, contact your employee assistance program (EAP).

By Drew Edwards © 2001 Achieve Solutions

Complaining – the shitty circle of FEMALE friends

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How it feels to have a female friend?

well, being a female myself with a manly way of thinking, I will tell you.

it SUCKS..

Females only become friends with another female to talk about her relationships, with her husband, with her boyfriend, someone she has a crush on , someone she is dating but doesn’t like, about shopping, style , her skills, her kids, her bad mother in law… Basically it’s not about you.

Barely I met a female with sensitivity for a friend, unfortunately it happens if the girl is a lesbian so she will give you all her ears and attention because she is in to you.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I have spent 36 years of my life searching for a good friend, and until now NOTHING….

if she is the sweet shy type, she will keep talking indirectly how someone she is interested in but she is not admitting is trying to catch her attention. I even got one delusional girl who is full of herself thinking her boss is hitting on her and asking for her hand, because he told her once , everyone is telling me why I didn’t get married until now. I WAS LIKE BAM…

7 female colleagues became friends with me just to get news about guys in my department, I’m the tough type chick so I don’t give in but these guys get so friendly with me and call me their buddy because I have like I mentioned earlier a male brain, which means I listen to them , even when they start telling me this girl or that girl is good looking, I just get along and laugh and tell them go try then!

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Ya, so this is me… simple chick, who likes to play video games, I like to put make up and stuff but not always, and I get sick of jewelry so I only wear it once every 3 months.. I don’t care about how my hair looks like, and my style is trendy..I like comedy , jokes.. fun.. I hate drama queens, and pretenders.. I don’t take shit, I don’t buy your shit, you coming to me and saying some good looking charming guy is trying to hit on you and you are refusing that’s why he now hates you , is a big fat lie that I would never buy…I don’t need this type of friends..

So basically am not being judgmental , but has anyone else reading this encountered some of that sort? the use and lose type of friend?

Let me know cause I’m frustrated !!

Do I really enjoy Alcohol? Do I enjoy being Sober?

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I purposely signed my last post with 02 – 11 -14, because I was determined to give myself a break from the constant effect of alcohol on my system and see how it goes.

THIS IS A ONE WEEK TEST  – so I’m not sure about the future results, it’s just a present comparison for me and perhaps a chance for others to read if they feel confused like me.( binge drinkers, and excessive alcoholics)

Today is 09 – 11 – 14

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I have not touched alcohol at all and in fact I left it for my partner to consume and he finished it, I did have a slight urge to go and buy more but I have noticed the followings:-

1- my muscles and body parts are not aching as when I used to drink everyday.

2- No headache.

3- Clear thoughts and vision.

4- More concentration at work.

5- More energy to do home cleaning and moving around.

6- weight has reduced and stomach is less bloated.

7- No Colon pain.

8- No dehydration.

9- No frequent urination.

10- No blurred speech.

11- Control of actions and behavior.

12- No depression , YES, no depression.

13- Feeling more optimistic.

14- Feeling Healthy , eating healthy stuff and ENJOYING it.

15- Less Fights with my partner.

16- No Insomnia, proper sleeping.

17- Driving wisely.

18- buying things for myself instead of spending it on alcohol, such as clothes, food, grocery.

NOW , the ultimate question, was I really enjoying the feeling of Alcohol ? sure I would feel so numb and careless, but did I actually used to enjoy the accompanied feelings from drinking!!

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Here is a list of what I would feel when I used to drink

1- Ugg , bitter taste, weird taste ..No problem , I will add something to mask it.

2- what is happening to my blood, it’s like it has become thicker twice it’s size and I feel a strange buzz in my cheeks.

3- I need to pee every 5 minutes.

4- I’m not getting enough drunk, let me get more drinks.

5- weight gain . MASSIVE weight gain , (15 kgs in 3 months).

6- Headache, ahh let me drink more maybe I will stop feeling..

7- bullshit talk, lets bullshit talk and tell people everything about me.

8- I’m careless about my partner, let me tell him crappy stuff , I don’t care what he thinks.

9- I feel bloated, aggg I wanna throw up.

10 – Constant depression when the alcohol wears off.

11- Easily angered and irritated the next day.

12- Constant guilt, self loath, insecurity and sadness.

13- thoughts of suicides and sudden ending of my own life.

14- reckless driving.

15- worried about my smell at work the next day.

16- wasting a lot of money, nothing is left for other things to enjoy.

17- I don’t care about my weight.. I don’t care about my hygiene, I don’t groom or dress up good.. I just sit and drink one after the other.

the list can go on ! however there is a very important question to ask myself : the next time you have a big fight with your partner as he always put you down and make you feel small, are you going to run back to alcohol and give up all the positive outcomes of being sober?

( answer shall follow in my next blog)

Ways to minimise abuse

The mind of the abuser works like a destructive machine, it rips you of your simplest right to be happy or live in peace. the (walking on egg shells) description is 100% correct.

I woke up this morning and saw boot steps next to the balcony, looked and saw few steps inside  and I just shook my head and said he doesn’t change, he comes to check if I’m hiding someone in the balcony, and I get few abusive words and a slap as a treat.

Living with an abuser in your life is to simply stop living a normal life, and maintain a disaster situation at all times.

For the sake of helping other battered people like me, I have made a list based on my experience with my abuser that might help reduce or avoid an abusive episode from coming and to reduce the emotional pain it poses on you:-

1- always keep the keys off, and if you forget then be ready for an angry episode and a complete house search to ensure that you are not hiding a man.

2- balcony, behind the bed or even in the cupboard, store, bathroom all are places he will start looking for a hidden man in it, so don’t be surprised or angry, and don’t react. anything you will say will get you a hit ,slap, loads of bad words. so just stay quiet as he is failing in (I caught her red handed) in his head that he wish it would just come true.

3- Do not drink in front of him because if you react in any way or say any word out of control you will be slapped or shushed away.

4- Do not text anyone about your story or issues, don’t talk to people about your personal life, he will always check your phone to see what have you been doing behind his back and if he spot anything like that you will be treated in a very bad way.

5- Don’t call or text him because he use this method only to check on you ,and if you do the same out of missing or being a human, he will assume you are checking if he is coming because he thinks you have a bad agenda.

6- Don’t express yourself to him or tell him anything you feel, telling him about a bad guy who is giving you a hard time at work or a mean boss,  will make him accuse you of trying to flirt with the guy and that you gave him indication that you are willing to get intimate,  he doesn’t think you have feelings and will not sympathize, for him you are a liar and he will never understand or believe your problems.

7- phone should be picked up quickly when he call, failing to answer means to him that you are with someone, and when he comes back he will give you hell. so do yourself a favor and keep the phone on and in a good reception area. the same way goes for text phones ( and he will only text you when you are in your parents place or somewhere he doesn’t want you to talk to so he cannot be identified).

8- delete all social apps from your phone, if you don’t want him to give you a hard time.

9- do not install social apps into your Iphone, there is something called purchased history and he will look in it and assume you downloaded these things to talk to men and hunt them. even if you just want to talk to people because you are isolated, hurt, depressed, don’t put yourself in trouble of being caught and you know the rest!  dozen of bad words and hitting and weeks of slut shaming.

10- don’t take shower in odd hours, because he will assume you had sex with someone and you are getting all cleaned up.

11- don’t make him know your routine, don’t be the same , as in change habits so he cannot mark you , because this is what he does , he keep you wondering about what he does so you cannot find out what he is doing or whom is he talking to.

12- never accuse him of cheating even when you know he does because you have chosen to live with him and he will be very aggressive and will beat you up .

13- don’t sit in the balcony, it’s considered a place to hunt men , so unless you want him to beat you up, then go ahead and sit in the balcony.

I’m running out of ideas as my head is spinning and I haven’t slept properly but I will update this list if I remembered.

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The terrible thing called hangover

I’m typing this with my soul not only tormented to the core but with no desire even to move a muscle in my face or talk, I’m dragged to work by force, no interest in anything, hardly drove and felt so ashamed of my recklessness , with the worn effect of Friday’s binge drinking to numb the pain from last Thursday’s night fight that followed the previous 4 days of his abandonment and anticipation to only drink everyday has reached to max, as I kept throwing up, was dizzy, shaky, restless, in pain, confused, sleepless , fever, chills , sweating…

and the unpleasant feeling got me saying I will not drink anymore, and the guilt of going to that chatting program and talking to someone on skype has made me hate myself because I must have been saying crap about myself or my personal life and getting myself in trouble. I hate myself for making all these useless promises of not drinking again yet go back with the first tantrum or fight between me and him.

I have severe depression, the liquor is not helping at all, it’s causing more problems. the depression and mood swings are escalating, the grumpy face and aggressive treatment, the anger, the boredom and the disappointment from myself.

I cannot control my drinking, that is why it has to end.

I pray that this post will be the last about me trying to quit !! let’s see …

02 – 11 – 14

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how to hide your secret life from your abuser

How to give yourself an excuse to live your LIFE, away from the sick person who is not allowing you to live like anyone else.

If you are someone who is unfortunate like me and ended up with an abusive control freak partner, who turned your beautiful freedom into shameful slut shaming misuse then you need to be very careful when you start building a hidden life for yourself where you can be a human away from the evil monster who is ONE DAY going to leave you for a younger, better human supply to fill his ugly ego.

1- Create a new Email address and only use it in devices he can NEVER reach, use a very unique password as well.

2- Do not use laptop for personal search, anything you search for will be misinterpreted: if you are searching for a funny clip on youtube and it ended in search history and he saw it, he might assume you are interested in the channel owner or the commentators and start beating you or giving you a hard time with an ambush plan and you don’t even know what’s going on.

3- Do not buy a cellphone device and leave it at home AT ALL or in the car, mine found it at home and it was on vibration because I was drunk and seem I accidentally hit the vibration button, I was left with large bruises and pain in my body that stayed for a week, the dickhead didn’t apologize for beating me , he said I hit myself, and also kept tormenting me with saying I have another phone and kept searching my house and throwing stuff and I HAD TO fix his mess later.

4- Do not watch any movie with any sort of sexual indication, it will be translated as you are cheating, or learning how to do certain things, or that you are a cheap slut who cannot get enough of sex.

5- keep your personal photos and  pictures in dropbox with a password, do not let him feel that you are happy and enjoying your life cause he will try to take that from you.

6- If you want to fee like a other females and wear makeup, make sure you take it off before he comes or before you return home from work, trying to put makeup in front of him means you are trying to seduce other guys, always look shitty infront of him, so he think you are a miserable ugly person who he vanquished.

7- If you want to join the gym, don’t let him know, as he will try to suppress you and make you stay home and even feed you more so you look like an ugly fat cow , he doesn’t want anyone to look at you or find you attractive because he owns you.

8- Do not let him know if you are going to see your relatives, he will not allow you, last week I stupidly told him that I want to go see my relatives, he took my car for 3 days.

9-  Do not leave any piece of paper in your bag, always destroy it, always delete passwords or notebooks from your cellphone.

10 – NEVER ever trust his way of thinking, it’s always toxic, against you, and full of insecurities, so do not allow yourself to be yourself in front of him ,always be cautious.

if you are a narcisstic abuser and  you are reading this and trying to bust the poor controlled person in your life, I say leave the poor little thing alone, you steal our lives and doesn’t want us to live??

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